If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
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Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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