I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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