I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
