Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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