chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
