I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
