literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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