I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
