heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
