He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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