We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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