grandma shit on top of the toilet
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
