I can tuck mytits in my pants
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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