I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
