I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
