Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
