I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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