At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
