I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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