I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
