she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
