he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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