you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
