Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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