Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
