she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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