woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
