i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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