apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
