be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Welp...herpes.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
