the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner