My hair reeks of homosexuality.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it