Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
