Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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