Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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