anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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