Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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