last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
