He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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