Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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