I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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