Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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