He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't turn off my feet"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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