i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
