she was so not down for the gang bang
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
