I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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