my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
