Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
