remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i drank out of a bidet.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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