checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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