You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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