This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
