so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
