Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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