Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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