I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
