dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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